Struggles Within

by Anabelle P. Balla

I have this request, this longing, that I have been praying for the Lord to grant me. I have been very vocal about it, so persistent in praying for it. My husband and I both prayed for it, calling out to the Lord during the preparation and all throughout the "journey". Even our friends and relatives are also helping us in praying. We have proclaimed, believed and claimed this blessing already with the faith that when we ask and believe that it will be granted, it will be.

Just recently, we found out that it seems we are not getting what we prayed for and that we are getting something else. I used the words " it seems" because deep inside me I am still hoping for a miracle to happen. That God may change His mind and grant us our request. If He want it, He can make it happen.

The moment I received the news about our request, tears welled in my eyes. I wasn't able to stop myself from crying. I felt sadness and yes, disappointment. I have been dreaming and imagining of the happy moments when our request will be finally granted. I even prepared for it. That happiness, that hope, the many plans I have in mind, were suddenly crushed to pieces. And my heart went to my husband who also long for same blessing, for a long time now.

Immediately, there was a struggle within me. The never ending questions of "whys" started while trying to discern the message that God maybe giving us in this situation. There is still pleading, hoping for a miracle, while at the same time, asking for forgiveness for taking the news negatively and seeking help to understand and accept God's will. There are questions, series of self examination- didn't i believe enough? is there something wrong with us? is this a punishment from previous offenses? are we not worthy and equipped to receive this blessing, this responsibility?

You see, I have been consistently praying that God's will may prevail over my personal desires because He knows better what is best for me and my family. But I also believe that God will give you what you asked for if you believe. From where I stand, I see no reason why we can't have what we are requesting for. It's not evil and I see no negative impact, only happiness around us. But I don't know how God sees my request and what are His reasons for possibly declining to grant my wish. I have yet to discover this with the help of the Holy Spirit. For now, I am struggling within. Struggling to accept and trust that the Lord has better plans for us. I feel guilty for feeling bad and thought that I may be offending God with my reactions. But I also try to rationalize that it is normal to feel this way and that God will understand so long that I will not dwell too much and too long in this "denial and hurting stages".

Good thing my husband has taken the news with understanding and acceptance. Trusting that it is God's will, he encouraged me to continue to be excited and look forward to the future. I know he was also saddened by the news and that he has struggles within as well, but his faith, his character, has helped him accept things. His acceptance, his reactions, made me feel okay. He gives me comfort and happy outlook.

Fortunately as well, I have the Holy Spirit to console me. The Holy Spirit has been my great helper. He has helped me go through the most darkest days of my life and He is now helping me go through this. In fact, I think He was there all along to prepare me for what is coming. He does console and helps in making things easy to accept, and gives me the courage to move on and be hopeful again.